The Foot of the Matter

Can we get gross for a minute? Of course we can. According to the stats, I’ve got six readers right now and I am pretty sure y’all have seen this train wreck already. And also you know I’m a foul beast.

*Warning – Graphic photos below. Should not be viewed by children or people who are currently eating.

Anyway, without further ado this is my more attractive foot.20120406-194528.jpg

I know that it’s not really so attractive but I’ve made peace with my giant feet and long, creepy finger-like toes. More space for toe rings, ya know? Plus i can pick stuff up with my finger-toea. Really, by attractive, I just mean it is more attractive than its partner.

This here is Ugly Foot.


I KNOW! Now, come on, have a little compassion. At least this thing isn’t attached to your leg or sleeping in your bed. Put yourself in my giant shoes for a minute and be gentle.

To be fair, Ugly Foot started out just mildly unattractive like her mate. Then when I was around 12 a horse stepped on Ugly Foot. That horse didn’t just lightly step on Ugly Foot as it was walking on by. That horse stood its entire hoof on Ugly Foot and then shifted her horsey weight and really smushed the crud out of Ugly Foot. I screamed and smacked at the horse’s leg and pushed at her as hard as I could. Sadly horses are quite large and this particular horse was quite the snotty bitch so she didn’t move off my foot until she had sufficiently busted it. Much as it did hurt, I was able to move my toes and walk and all that so we didn’t go visit a doctor. Five years later when I was still experiencing periodic pain and stiffness I popped in for an X-ray. Turns out that a chunk of bone at the joint had broken off and now the toe sort of falls into the hole left behind. That’s why the middle toe on Ugly Foot has that awesome looking Gangsta Lean. Very OG, yo.

Ugly Foot stayed at about the same level of ugly for many years. I was ashamed of her but what could I do really. Then I started running and that Gangsta middle toe? See how it kind of tucks behind the toe beside it? Well it would appear that, with the impact of running for hours and hours pushing the one toe onto the top of Gangsta toe, the Gangsta toenail got all out of whack and started growing in thickness instead of length. So now it looks sort of like a dog claw. This is awesome because now I can not only pick stuff up but I can also sort of tear it up.


RADICAL, right? You’re jealous. I know it looks like a fungus is among us under that toenail but I assure you it’s not. It’s just a bunch of nail-type material built up. Every so often I go in and have the pedicure people take a belt sander to it and make it look more like just an ugly nail instead of a terrifying claw. It’s clearly been a long while since I’ve done that though. I keep saying I’ll haul Ugly Foot in to see a doctor “after such and such event” and then I keep signing up for another event.

Very recently the toes on either side of Gangsta toe are also growing thicker toenails. I do not have any explanation for that. Maybe they’re just little toe lemmings looking to join the Gangsta toe gang. Assholes. Or maybe I’m becoming a werewolf. That would suck because i am decidedly Team Edward. Jacob makes me uncomfortable.

Good thing me and Ugly Foot aren’t single or Gangsta toe would have us moving to Alaska to hide in boots year round. I wouldn’t like that because I don’t much like shoes. I like flip flops. Ugly Foot likes to get fresh air.

I’m not sure why I shared these upsetting pictures but I feel so much lighter now that I’ve given you nightmares. Could be worse though. You could be my husband who just walked in on me taking pics of Ugly Foot on the kitchen counter and instantly knew,”Taking pictures of your ugly foot?” and then offered to help take that last one because I damn near snapped my spine trying to get the right angle. Bless him for marrying just unattractive feet and then sticking around when Ugly Foot went rogue. I wonder if he ever worries that Ugly Foot might touch him while he sleeps. I would worry if I were him.

So look at your feet and then look at mine and say “those are my feet and those are my feet on running”. Is that funny to anyone else? Because I’m cracking up but I’m very lame and I’ve had too many jelly beans today.

PS to Jet Walker, yes I took those pics of my foot on my kitchen counter. Be sure and tell Mr. Walker. Smoochy Boochy, Mr. Walker, want me to make you a casserole on that counter?

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2 Responses to The Foot of the Matter

  1. Heather says:

    As soon as I saw the pictures of your feet (especially the last one) I immediately thought of Jet and her husband! Thanks for always making me laugh!!

  2. Jet Walker says:

    If I tell Mr. Walker of said picture, we’ll never be able to eat at your house.

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